Hang ups.

Strange. When I last answered a call on the switchboard it sounded like a hang-up, but whoever it was didn’t really hang up on me because the line wasn’t dead. I waited. It started to ring. A man answered, and not knowing what else to say, I told him it was the bookstore. He hung up.

Also: Helmet Comb-over has returned. I still can't get over his disastrous attempt to cover his bald spot.

-Lima Bean

Too many books.

“There are too many books!” yelled an old man wielding a hearing aid and a cane. He shook his head. “There are too many books. I wish I had time and legs to explore all of these books.”

Then he hobbled over to me. “Concierge.” He pronounced it CON-sir-gay. “Does that mean information?” I told him yes, it does.

-Lima Bean

Young one.

"Thank you for being so helpful, young one," he said to me.

I wasn't sure if he was being sincere or condescending.

-Lima Bean

French is a beautiful language.

"Concierge -- that's a lovely title to give you," she said. Yes, I agree. French is a beautiful language.

-Lima Bean

Memorial Day.

I'm not even a half an hour in to my shift and already I've had about a dozen calls asking "Are you open today?" This is going to be a long day. Thankfully, I get holiday pay.

-Lima Bean

Compliment.

"You're looking wonderful, my dear," he said. Why, thank you.

-Lima Bean

Orange.

A man shopping at the bookstore today was wearing all orange. He had on a bright orange hat, bright orange corduroy jacket and pants, orange sock and orange shoes. It doesn’t stop there: His hair and beard were dyed neon green, yellow, pink and orange in a way that was reminiscent of a tub of sherbet ice cream.

I wonder.

-Lima Bean

Black eye vs. Boredom

"You look bored," the old man said. I admitted that I was.

"I’m 74, and I have a saying: I’d rather be punched than bored. And it’s been a long time since I’ve been punched."

Hmm. Black eye or boredom?

Question of the Day: "Could you tell me how to get downstairs, Madam?"

-Lima Bean

Solitude.

"You look lonely," she said to me, sympathetically. "You need a partner to talk to."

It's true, you know. It can get lonely at the concierge desk. At least when you’re a cashier or working at the book-information counter, you’ve got somebody else standing there with you to keep you company. At the concierge desk, I've got nobody.

It's like I'm sitting in Time Out for 4-5 hours at a time, on display so everyone will see the bad girl being punished. The only thing is, I can't remember what I did wrong.

Observation: These past few weekends, I've been getting more and more calls requesting the Clinique counter.

-Lima Bean

Working hard or hardly working?

"You sure are working hard sitting there," he said to me, jokingly. "I'll see about getting you a raise."

-Lima Bean

Nacho Libre!

A 3 or 4-year-old, blond-haired boy paused at the Bargain DVDs display and excitedly pointed to one of the movies. He called out to his mother, "Look! Look, Mom!" She saw what he was pointing at and smiled. The boy then galloped over to his father and hurriedly waved him over. "Look! Look, Dad!" He ran to the display again and continued to jab his index finger at the DVD until Dad also saw the movie.

"Eh, Eh!" the boy said. Check this out! "Eh, eh!" Then: "It's Nacho Libre! Nacho Libre! Nacho Libre! Nacho Libre! Nacho Libre!" He galloped into the Gift Shop singing the name.

He must really love Jack Black.

-Lima Bean

Like a statue.

"Well, that's got to be an exciting job," a woman said to me, sarcastically. She had smiled at me an hour or so ago while on her way out the bookstore to do more shopping on the Ave before heading off.

"You haven't moved since I last saw you."

-Lima Bean

How embarrassing.

I knew it would happen sooner or later: I accidentally answered the switchboard with "Concierge -- " instead of the usual greeting. The guy was silent on the other end, obviously confused. Oh! How embarrassing.

-Lima Bean

We're a new species.

"I've never quite understood why I always see young ladies at this desk. I thought maybe they paid you to sit here and look cute," he said.

I explained I was the bookstore concierge. "Ah, the concierge. Now I understand."

-Lima Bean

Silly question.

"Do you work here?" No, I don't. I just happen to be sitting behind this desk and wearing an employee name tag.

-Lima Bean

No, not downstairs.

It doesn't happen very often, but sometimes a customer will misunderstand me when I say something is upstairs. I not only tell them whatever they're looking for is "upstairs," I also point up the stairs. It seems pretty straightforward to me. Yet, somehow, they must think I told them to go downstairs, because I'll occasionally watch a customer slowly descend into The Land of the Lost.

-Lima Bean

For Alex.

A little boy -- possibly age 5 or 6 -- looking at bargain kids books with his father and older brother, turned around and confidently said to me: "Excuse me, do you know where space books are?"

-Lima Bean

I am not a mind reader

On the phone:

Customer: I need some information.
Me: OK (expecting them to specify what type of information they needed)
Customer: thank you.

Because I can most definitely reach through the phone line, read your mind to ascertain your question and then transfer you to the correct department. Come on lady.

~Montana

Oops.

A man, who seemed quite flustered, stopped at the desk to tell me a quick story about how he was chatting with a 10-year-old boy while waiting in line to pay for something in the Gift Shop.

He said he told a woman looking to pay -- and about to cut in front of the little boy who was in line to buy a toy -- that she'd better let "him" go first. The little boy, who was actually a little girl, held up her hand to display painted fingernails and said, "What's all this 'him' stuff?"

He told me: "She's only 10 years old. She must get it all the time." He walked away muttering, trying to justify his slip-up to himself.

-Lima Bean

It is a mystery.

Customer A: (On switchboard) "Hi, I'm looking for a mystery."

-Lima Bean

Marco!

A tiny, old Asian woman yelled "Kay!" to her friend across the store lobby about ten times in order to get her attention. But when Kay finally heard her -- Kay is also old and must be hard of hearing -- she couldn't exactly see her. The woman is too short to be seen over the bargain bookshelves. She had wave her arms and yell "Kay" a few more times to catch Kay's eye.

It was a sweet reunion; as sweet as the sight of two old ladies shopping together.

-Lima Bean

Snippet.

"Washroom please," she said with a giggle, a hand cupped around her mouth, as if it was an embarrassing secret.

-Lima Bean

Can I Get a Witness?

Today I had two people come up and ask if I would be a witness while they signed some legal papers having to do with a real estate deal. The guy seemed a bit out of breath, like they had been running around trying to find someone to sign off as a witness and didn't have much time. He was a white guy, youngish with brown hair tucked under a cap and ponytail in the back, and a short beard. The woman was a slightly older tired-looking Korean lady. I was a bit unsure that I could legally be a witness, not knowing either of them, but they both thought it was fine. So I verified at their IDs and watched them sign, then signed my name next to the line that said "witness". I had to do it four times, twice on each page. The guy told me that if you really like paperwork, then you should go into real estate. I told him I thought I'd pass.

I'm used to redundant.

More interesting comments:

Customer A: "Thank you, and a Happy Obama Day to you."

B: (On switchboard) "Are you open today? Do you like how I asked you a question that was redundant, since you did answer the phone?"

C: "I didn't get any messages yet?"

-Lima Bean

Boomerang.

Sir, I cannot understand you. I can't. I just can't.

I'm coining a concierge term for us -- boomerang.

boomerang
-noun

1. When used between concierge co-workers, refers to the creepers (creepy customers) who continually return to the concierge desk to try to catch your eye, flirt, chat, ask you out and get you to divulge personal information.

Mr. I-Can't-Understand-A-Word-He's-Saying is a boomerang. I described him the day of our staff meeting. He's an older man. Black, graying. Likes to wear a brimmed hat. He circled the desk three times; like a vulture, waiting to prey. I avoided eye-contact as best I could, but I accidentally looked at him on the third circling. He smiled, and approached.

He likes to ask me what I'm majoring in, tell me I've got a nice smile, talk about Obama and other politics, and tell me how smart his granddaughters are. At least, that's what I think he's saying. He's one of those quick-talking mumblers -- like a cross between an auctioneer and a old Southern character you'd read about in a Mark Twain novel -- who'll say something really fast, that was surely a run-on sentence, and then end it with an audible 'Ya'll come on back now, ya hear?' Think Boomhauer from King of the Hill.

Today he asked me where I went to high school, how fast I can type, and when I get off of work. At least, that's what I think he asked me. I hear bits and pieces. "We should meet for some tea and talk about the recession," he said. I avoided answering his questions, then politely declined the invitation to tea.

Just smile and nod. Smile and nod.

-Lima Bean

Rats.

A woman who works across the street from us asked if there was a payphone in the store she could use. I said that there wasn't, but that she could use our phone for a courtesy call. She thanked me several times, saying she didn't want to use the payphone across the street because she doesn't trust the Ave rats that hang around over there. She was so thankful, she gave me her 50 cents she had planned to use for her phone call as a tip.

I don't really know what to do with the money. We're not allowed to take tips, are we? I might just put it in the tip jar in the cafe.

Interesting comments:

Customer A: "I'd like a hotel room and a limousine for the weekend. Do you get a lot of that?"

B: "Do you know where your latrine is?"

C: (Accompanied with the expected theatrics) "Oh, blessed yet cursed are the freedoms and restraints of democracy! If it weren't for the freedoms and restraints of democracy of this fine country, when I saw a beautiful woman, I would clasp her to my breast and say, 'Will you be mine?' ... I'm not crazy, I'm just glad to be done with my chores for the day. I'm going to go home and do a bit of reading."

D: "Have you seen our wives around? Short? No?"

-Lima Bean

Customers can be...

I had one customer today who kept asking me if we had Monet Calendars. I told her I wasn’t sure but that all of our calendars where on the table she was looking at and that they where in no particular order. Apparently she didn’t get what I had said because she asked again, “but do you have Monet?” I told her book information would most likely be able to look that up. So she asks again, “Do you have a Monet Calendar?” I repeated my first response and she stopped asking questions so maybe she finally got it. She now, after asking me if there was phone she could borrow, is using the convenience phone to have a full blown conversation. I really hate when customers carry on a conversation that you would have on your own cell phone. It just seems rude when they use the phone here for a personal call. Seriously, this has been like a 10 minute phone call, really lady?

~Montana

Ah, kids.

A boy and a girl -- possibly twin siblings -- are flipping through the pages of a bargain science book and commenting on each photo of Earth from space with either an "Ooooh!" or a "Nah." It reminds me of when my sister and I were little and we'd scan through the pages of a magazine and ask each other, "What is your favorite thing on this page?"

-Lima Bean

I day dream.

An old man stopped at the desk, leaned in and asked me in a hushed voice, "What do you do for boredom?" I laughed, and told him I day dream.

Update: The old man returned the very next day and asked, "Still day dreaming?" He commented on how beautiful it is that your mind can wander. "You can go anywhere you want in your mind," he said. "When I was in fourth grade, my mind would go to Mount Si."

-Lima Bean

Guns 'N Roses lives!

I saw a total Slash look-a-like today: Long black hair, tall black top-hat, black skinny jeans with a heavy studded belt, leather jacket with chains. I didn't get a look at his face, but who knows, it could have been him! (Or someone from a really dedicated tribute band.)

Could you say that again?

Recently I had a funny incident where a couple of guys stopped by the desk and asked me where they could buy a bong. So I started telling them where a few smoke shops were located (because hey, this is an information desk, and I'm here to give people information, am I not?). They looked a bit confused, and then one of them asked, "They have gongs at the smoke shop?"
Ohhhhhh, *gongs*. Yeah. And of course I couldn't tell them where to find a cheap gong, since they had already checked at the Japanese import store next door. They would have had much better luck if they really had been looking for a bong.

Another time a lady came in asking if we had mops. I didn't think we did--I'd never seen them in the supplies section, and it was a bit odd she asked considering that she seemed intelligent, and not the sort of person who would expect to find mops in a bookstore. I tried clarifying by asking her if she meant the kind of mop that you use to clean a floor (though there isn't really any other type of mop that I know of). "Oh no, I'm looking for maps (still sounded like mops), like of the city," she replied. At which point I realized that she was speaking with an odd sort of British accent and directed her to the book information counter. Sometimes people must think I'm kind of stupid. I wonder if the write about it in their blogs!

--Monalisa

Book covers.

Why wouldn't a book store that carries practically everything carry book covers? It boggles the mind.

-Lima Bean

Achoo!

Every time I sneeze, I feel like I'm starting an avalanche. The acoustics in the store lobby amplify my sneezes so much, I almost want to apologize to customers for disturbing their quiet shopping.

-Lima Bean

We are not free power

A customer just asked me if he could use one of our outlets to charge his phone... He then proceeded to look extremely taken back and angry when I told him no "not even the one in the foyer". It's not the store's job to provide free electricity to customers if they left home without charging their phone completely. I don't know why someone would expect us to provide that service.

~Montana

Tax Season

Someone just asked me how much tax was. While I dumbly stared (your taxes? How would I know how much you make?) the guy pulls out a Walgreen’s receipt. Ah, sales tax. 9% buddy, it even says so on the receipt.

~Montana

Coffee spill.

A customer spilled her 16-ounce coffee on the concierge desk. She was stopping to grab something from the desk, and when she reached for it, she knocked her coffee over. It spilled over the left side of the desk, pooling behind the computer monitor and splashing over the telephone. Luckily, the coffee missed the wiring and the switchboard by inches.

I was in the middle of helping a customer on the switchboard, and in the shock of the situation, I hadn't heard what the woman on the other line had said. When I asked her to repeat it, I could tell she was pissed.

The coffee-spiller apologized over and over again, and rushed to the cafe to grab a stack of napkins. She helped mop up the mess for a few minutes, but when I told her it was OK, that these things happen, and not to worry about it, she took is as permission to leave.

Still with a lake of coffee to take care of, I called the MOD. Stupidly, I called using the coffee-covered telephone: coffee dripped down my sleeve and into my hair. oops. Someone from Supplies offered to help me clean. Everything was wiped down with orange-scented cleaner. Brochures and other handouts that were soaked with coffee were replaced. Some of our cheat sheets taped to the side of the counter were stained, but not too badly. What an ordeal!

The desk still smells like coffee.

-Lima Bean

Comb-over disaster.

I just saw the worst comb-over in the history of comb-overs. Instead of combing the hair from the side of the head over his bald spot, this customer used hair from the back of his head. Pulled from his neck to his forehead, his hair looked like a helmet. And, at his forehead, where you'd expect to see a bang-like falling of hair, he had swooped the ends under in a wave of hair-sprayed wonder. Sadly, his helmet of hair wasn't doing much to hide his bald spot.

-Lima Bean

Paging Fiasco

I just paged someone with the proclamation, "attention University shoppers", which as we all know is wrong. Between the nervous anticipation of hearing my voice over the pa system and trying to remember how to actually page someone I forgot to say the name of the store. I hate paging people.

EDIT: I just had to use the paging system again... This time for a car with their lights on in the parking lot. I don't know why, but it alway sounds so awkward to say "attention Book Store shoppers".

~Montana

Bartells hilarity.

Customer 1: "Wait, I need to go to Bartells."
Cutomer 2: "What the hell?"

Oh, how I wish you could have heard how the guy said "What the hell?" to his friend. He said it in a You've-got-to-be-kidding-me tone of voice. It was classic.

-Lima Bean

Sooooo

So apparently the store opened at eleven today, I came in at twelve. My bad. Someone has the personnel keys, which means they knew that I didn't come in on time but the switchboard was still off when I got here. Oh well. Also, I hate students who don't know if they're looking for textbooks. Is it for a class? It's a textbook. Someone today tried to tell me that because their class was an elective the books wouldn't be in the textbook department...

~Montana

Textbooks, textbooks, textbooks.

I really, really wish customers would clarify that they're checking on a textbook. I've had to ask "Is it a textbook or a general book?" about a bajillion times.

Also: I saw a customer picking her nose on the stairs.

-Lima Bean

I wish...

I wish that people would stop calling in for the name/hours/information about the used textbook store that opened up across the street from us recently. Do they not realize they're our first major competition on the textbook front in some time? So far I've played dumb: "I'm sorry, I don't know much about that store, it's fairly new." Not necessarily true, but I don't feel obligated to give out the information.

~Montana